How to Handle Pain
by SophiaCrutchfeild
Summary: I can handle a lot. I can handle this. I just wish I didn't have to.
1. Handling it

Author's Note- There are stories you write because you're bored. There are stories you write because the idea won't leave you be. Then, there are stories you write because you have to. This is one of those.

Guess which character is speaking. I dropped a few hints.

I can handle a lot.

I can handle the loneliness, I can handle the backhanded comments, and I can handle being a freak. I can even handle danger, and pressure, and sleepless nights.

I can handle a lot.

I'm used to it. I try so hard to be perfect. I'm funny, smart, and kind to everyone. At least, I thought I was. They usually leave me alone, and I leave them alone. This goes for everyone in town. They just don't accept me for some reason, though I've lived here since I was three. Like I said, though, I'm used to it.

I just… I thought tonight would be different. That's all. All Hallows Eve. The one day I could shine. A girl like me can stand out as the best when everyone is trying to be frightening. I had been planning my costume for months. I wore a white dress, splattered with blood, painted my veins black, put black eye shadow in circles all around my eyes, and even wore real pearls for accents. I wore a long, black wig, and I was a picture of fear. I was so excited… the one night a year I could be a princess… I don't need much; just one day a year… is that too much to ask?

_Nothing_ changed. I tried so hard to be perfect, I worked so hard, I put so much into tonight… they ignored me. They said, "Nice costume," if that, and moved on. I was still alone. I got plenty of candy, but who cares? I didn't want stupid _candy,_ I wanted to have one night… just one… where I could feel alive.

I hate this stupid small town. I want to get out. I so want to get out.

I sat down on a swing in a nearby playground, let the long black hair make a curtain in front of my face, and cried. Everyone could see me. No one cared. Maybe they thought it was a plea for attention. Maybe they were right. The thing was, I was in a lot of pain. I thought about running into the nearby woods, or even following the train tracks to the city… but in the end, I just sat there and cried. It just hurts so much, feeling like you don't exist wondering if anyone would miss you if you died. You would almost rather be bullied, or something. Anything is better than to be alone.

I can handle a lot. I can handle this. I just wish I didn't have to.


	2. Creep

Author's Note- Ok, so I thought that it would be a one-shot, but… this popped into my head. I guess it's just going to be a follow-up. I may or may not post again. Who knows?

Guess who this is, and who "She" is.

I plugged in my iPod after a long day of nothingness. I've run out of things to put in my diary, to the point where I've stopped writing in it. The days run together, and it's torture. I'd rather be almost anywhere else. Not here. Tiny town, tiny people, it's enough to make anyone claustrophobic… if I had just one person…

_When you were here before… I couldn't look you in the eye. You're just like an angel. Your skin makes me cry._

I look in the mirror, and see a face I have grown to hate. Smile, makeup, no emotion, or they will know. I'm not beautiful, and I know that. I wish… I mean, there are people…

_You float like a feather in a beautiful world. You're so f(*&%ing special…_

She never gives in, never breaks, she doesn't care what people think, and she's a genuine person…

_I wish I was special._

I just want to be myself, and if not that… I at least want to be someone people know.

_But I'm a creep._

You said it, Radiohead. No one would like me if I tried to be someone. I've tried. It's easier to fade into the shadows.

_I'm a weirdo._

Who would like a girl who hates the makeup, isn't interested in gossip, keeps her head down at the times when she most wants to shine? She accepted me, she was actually kind, even when I showed myself… she made me feel like I was okay, if only for a second.

_What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here._

I walk through the streets, and people avoid me. They're scared of me. They don't like what they don't understand… or maybe it's just that they don't like someone who puts up walls. It isn't my fault that they all fit, like pieces of a puzzle, and I don't have a place. I just don't belong.

_I don't care if it hurts._

I'm back in my room, and I feel my body aching. I know what I'm doing, and I don't care.

_I want to have control._

I pinch my arm, and pull out my sketchbook. Maybe I can think myself out, if only for a few minutes. I begin drawing, and ignore the pain. I can control myself.

_I want a perfect body._

I can make myself pretty. Looks are everything, right Mom? Not for her though. She doesn't care what she looks like. She's confident, and that makes her pretty.

_I want a perfect soul._

I must be pretty, I must be smart, I must be envied, and I must be desirable. That's what they all want, isn't it? Perfection. Kindness? Sympathy? Happiness? Not part of the mathematical formula of perfection. They have to accept me now…

_I want you to notice when I'm not around._

She was always the only person who noticed. She asked about me, and was happy to see me. I never understood why.

_You're so f($#%ing special… I wish I was special…_

It would be nice, wouldn't it? Be her for a day. She isn't popular, but she doesn't give a shit. I like that. She might be the closest thing I ever had to a real friend… you know, one who actually likes me.

_But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo._

I'm the one who knows things. No one listens, but I do know. Good girls, nice, normal girls, don't know things. They just do what society says. I'm too weird for society, so I'm the 'bad one.' The 'problem child.'

_What the hell am I doing here?_

No, seriously, what am I doing here? I don't want to be here, nothing is keeping me here, so why?

Oh, right. I'm a kid. I have no choice.

_I don't belong here._

Yeah. I know. You don't have to tell me.

_She's running out the door._

She got to leave, why do I have to stay? Why? It isn't fair! It isn't fair…

_She's running… she… run, run, run, run! _

I cry into my pillow, and send her a text. "Hey, what's up?"

No answer.

_Run._

I could do it. I could leave. It would be easy… but I won't. I could never survive. Anyway, I'll get out eventually, right?

_Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want. _

I'll do what they want me to. Keep my head down. I just have to keep smiling. Just keep smiling… my own personal motto.

_You're so f(*&^ing special… I wish I was special…_

I look at my phone. I wish I could talk to her, but I'm too scared to call. What if she hates me now? What if..?

_But I'm a creep! I'm a weirdo!_

She saw me, I know it, and she didn't like it. Why does that realization hurt so much? She never said she liked me. Her opinion shouldn't matter. It doesn't matter.

_What the hell am I doing here?_

I look in the mirror. I have to get rid of the tears before my parents see them. I don't want them to worry.

_I don't belong here._

Concealer, and some new mascara do the trick. I add some eye shadow as a finishing touch. I may not belong, but at least I look the part, to an outsider.

_I don't belong…_

Then, my phone buzzes. "Hey! It's been forever! What's up?"

_Here. _

I smile. I may not belong _here_… but that doesn't mean that there isn't somewhere I belong.


	3. Alone

Author's Note- You don't have to read this. I know it sucks. So, whatever. Guess who's talking?

I can't believe she would do this to me.

I thought she was my friend. She said she was. Would a friend do this to me? Make me cry until I couldn't stand another tear? Me, a kid who _never_ cries?

A stupid text ruined me whole day. She didn't even bother calling me to tell me. I guess I'm not the greatest person in the world, but I never thought it was possible to feel so worthless. I have done things that most people only dream of doing, but I don't really care about that. I want someone I can count on… besides my family, anyway.

I miss summer. Winter ruins everything. Winter is dead. Snow is blank, and becomes a weapon as soon as the ice sets in. The skies are dark, and the sun is slacking off. I miss the sun.

I know what they call me, you know. I'm not oblivious, the way I pretend to be, absorbed in my books and music. I know what they think of me. I'm a nerd, a loser, and a freak. I think I'm _so smart,_ but I'm really just lying to myself- not to mention everyone else.

What happened to me anyway? What happened that made me so different? I know, _I know,_ I'm better than them… but I'm not, am I? Anyway, she's still got the power to make me hurt, so I guess I'm still not as strong as I wish I was. I put up armor, a wall of paper, and oblivion, and lies… how did she get past it?

I let her in at the gates. I thought she would never hurt me. How stupid am I? Everyone will hurt you, if you let them get to close.

Maybe I should stop letting people in. Isolation can drive you crazy, but it hurts less than this. I mean, who really needs friends, if they just want to play with you and then throw you on the ground to be crushed?

I don't want to do anything. I don't even want to think. I don't want to leave my room. I don't trust that someone won't hurt me again. I'm too worthless to have friends. Stupid, lazy, annoying people don't have friends. I'm too much of an idiot to trust. I have been taken advantage of, played like a violin, and plain messed with to many times to count.

I am pathetic, aren't I? Sorry about making you listen to my pity party. You probably don't want to.

Go away. Stop reading this. I just want to be left alone.


End file.
